The Perfect Insult Formula (Better Off Ted)

Lem: What are you cypherin' there Jethro?

Phil: I really enjoyed repeating the put downs you've been feeding me but I wanna do it on my own. Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I've devised a formula.

Lem: Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn't she, Phil?

Phil: If she ever took physical form, I'd leave my wife and marry her.

Lem: Stand in line, my friend.

Phil: Anyway, it's really quite simple. You take a person's most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia--male, female, or animal--and end with the suffix "-bag," "-wipe", or "-muncher."

Lem: You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.

Phil: Shall we take it for a spin?

Phil: Excuse me Roger? Your head looks like a lizard butt-flap you ass-wipe.

Phil and Lem: Oooooooooh... *Later*

Phil: Your eyes look like two beady rabbit pellets on the face of a monkey-licking pus-bomb.

Lem: You've just been Phil-abusted.

Phil: Nice!

*Chest Bump*

Lem: That's it--fill up your canker-blossomed hole, you ale-soused apple-john. That was the Elizabethan model.

Phil: Ye have been served.

*Chest Bump*

Another Year another trip to Montreal

Just got the call. And I am off to Montreal for a week..
Hope you guys have more fun than I do.

If you can think of anything that this site needs send me a comment

Gearloose

Questionaire

Someone who does not follow my blog sent me an email and said I needed a questionnaire on here.

So I swiped one from “Falling through the void”.
Who by the look of it swiped it from Ben at ben-gaymid-schooler.blogspot.com/

This was supposed to be posted last month but I forgot again so here it is now.

The answers are mine.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My arms and what ever part of my body that hits the water first.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Hey, exactly how did you know I have a hoodie?
Mine is fun fur lined and looks like fake denim on the outside. Warm, fuzzy and waterproof

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes, making out is fun and I would repeat that.

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
Short answer “NO!” long Answer. The only time I actually plan an outfit is when I am going out, which is once in a blue moon. Besides that the closest thing that comes to planning is to make sure I am not clashing.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
I am getting a headache if you must know...

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
A big tag that is on a mull modem cable beside my computer. And fancy that it says “Null Modem Cable”

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
I was sitting in a hotel room on the bed cross legged having a cigarette. That is all I remember and the reason for that is I quite a 15+ year habit 4 months ago and the only dreams that I remember is when I think I have had a cigarette and I wake up feeling guilty that I have cheated.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Actually I met the accounts clerk today. I have emailed her for the last 6 months but we have never met each other before … I guess that counts.

9. What are you craving right now?
Lets see. I am on a diet to get rid of the weight that I have gained from not smoking. I am not smoking and I have not had sex in 5 days… So sex chocolate and cigarettes not necessarily in that order.

10. Do you floss?
No, I brush my teeth twice a day but I hate the feeling of trying to garrote my teeth and slice into the gums on either side of every tooth.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Sauerkraut. I don’t know why other than that is what it is made of.

12. Are you emotional?
Depends on my mood and the topic of conversation.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
No, I don’t remember ever doing that and plus I get distracted to easily.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I can’t bite anything cold with my teeth… plus I hate ice cream so NO!

15. Do you like your hair?
Not at the moment. I have went through every hair style in known history from long to short and there is none that I like on me. Now I am actually growing my hair out from a crew cut that was done horribly so I can’t wait to get it cut.

16. Do you like yourself?
Physically? Physically, I rather dislike my body, I have to work out more (to be exact I have to start to again).
Mentally... well, what can I say I have to live with myself and sometimes I don’t mind the company.

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
No, I like to have conversation when I eat with someone and if he started to talk I would just loose my appetite anyway.

18. What are you listening to right now?
Random office noises and my boss is listening to the news on the radio.

19. Are your parents strict?
No. The benefits of having older retired parents is that they more or less just leave me alone. When I was young yes, my mother is a red head with Irish descent and her temper was fierce

20. Would you go sky diving?
Not so much, I don’t like the idea of jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
No, the texture reminds me of slime and the smell of something that died.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yes, If Canadian celebrities count … No if they don’t.

23. Do you rent movies often?
Yes.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
The closest thing to sparkly in the office is the bottles of hand sanitizer.

25. How many countries have you visited?
Canada and US

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
No. The closest I have come is talking dirty.

27. Ever been on a train?
No

28. Brown or white eggs?
I live on a farm as long as they are cooked I could care less.

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes. 2 one for work and one for me.

30. Do you use chap stick?
Only in the winter

31. Do you own a gun?
Is a rifle a gun?

32. Can you use chop sticks?
No, I have tried but somehow the skill has always eluded me.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Actually I am going to visit my folks tonight

34. Are you too forgiving?
I am Canadian we are sorry for anything and everything.

35. Ever been in love?
I hope so but I don’t know if I would bet on it ..

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
I don’t know if I can say that I have a best friend. My friends from childhood kind of split off and went a their own ways. I guess they guy I am dating is the closet that I have and I don’t know.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
I know not what they are to say for sure.

38. Last time you cried?
Last week but it was due to a migraine

39. What was the last question you asked?
Hmm... I asked my boss never to use the word “Marshall” again. He wanted me to get a bunch of boxes together for a delivery and he told me to “Marshall” them and I said “That is above my pay scale so you do it“ .

40. Favorite time of the year?
Summer, I am a people watcher and they seem to wear less in the heat of summer. LOL that sounds like I am a pervert.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
No. Not at the moment I was looking to get one last fall but I doubt I will. Too expensive and I am not a fan of my body at the moment.

42. Are you sarcastic?
Yes ever so much so and if I where to answer that question out loud , the answer would probably come out sarcastic anyway.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Yes, I don’t remember a damned thing about it though

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Glass door, door jam, screen door, but no not a wall.

45. Favorite color?
Every time I get asked that I answer something different.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes. probably more than one if I thought about it.

47. Is your hair curly?
Nope, my hair is the exact opposite of curly.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
been so long I couldn’t tell you… You know you can download songs onto an IPOD now. It is really fun you should try it.

49. Do looks matter?
At first thoughts I would say no. But, I realize that someone who is physically attractive is going to get more attention than someone who is not. And although I am going to find myself inferior to them I am going to want to get in their pants anyway or at least try and see them naked or imagine them naked… God I have to have sex soon or I am going to pop.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
No I don’t think so and I would probably never forget that they did it and not trust them as much.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
Not so much I use my work phone for everything.

52. Do you like your life right now?
I guess so. I'd like to be out though. And learn how to save money.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
No. A fan but not the TV

54. Can you handle the truth?
I like the truth, I always ask for it and usually can handle it if not at the beginning almost always after a couple of days.

55. Do you have good vision?
No Not so much or at all without my glasses or contacts.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Hate?
No.

Dislike?
Yes, and definitely more than 3.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
More than I care to for work and personal. I don’t like talking on the phone I would rather talk in person.

58. The last person you held hands with?
My boyfriend and I usually hold hands when we are in the car together. Yes I realize it is not safe but it is something that we do.

59. What are you wearing?
Boxer Briefs, socks, shoes, jeans, a tee shirt, and a sweater. Glasses, and no jewelry minus my earring(left ear).

60.What is your favorite animal?
I like dogs and cats. People say I am more like a cat. And animals are surprising friendly to me. Did I actually answer that question?

61. Where was your default picture taken at?

Default?
I have various pictures of my on my pieces of ID and other than that I HATE getting my picture taken.

62. Can you hula hoop?
I remember doing it when I was a kid but I haven't tried it in a long time.

63. Do you have a job?
Yes and although I should consider it a carreer I can’t do it.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Diner last night, I was on the road for work and I had Swiss Chalet chicken.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes, I think I had to brake into my own house once when I was younger.

Little Freak of Nature

Being trained by the pets 101

So this is my Friday night

Some background.
My folks live on a farm.
I am an only child.
My folks are both retired now and want to travel.
My folks have pets.
My folks wanted to go visit my aunt for the weekend.
Did I mention I am an only child?

So, my folks have a few pets living in the house at the moment, two permanent house residents with others that migrate in during the winter months in various states. Okay so “we” have a cat. She's a fairly old lady I would say about 18. She is passing gracefully into older age and usually just gives you a passing glace as she passes through her areas of the house and with a confidence and a self awareness. She is really cool to watch; she seeks out her favorite spots and stays there for hours.
Next is the house dog also an older lady of about 14, not aging as gracefully as the cat she has lost the ability to move gracefully in any way and unfortunately recently lost the ability to hear (unbeknownst to me). She is most content to sleep in any place at anytime for any length of time she deems fit.
So at the beginning of the first paragraph I think that I mentioned something about winter, which is happening here at the moment. The first of these are my mothers “Boys” a school of 7 huge goldfish / coy in the summer are in the pond outside but in the winter are in a large 150 gallon tank in the basement. They just do what fish do until they see movement or a light come on and then they are in the corner of the tank closest to the stairs splashing away trying to get the attention of any passerby so that they can get some food.
So my parents have decided that it is too cold for the “barn” cats to spend the night in the barn. So there are 4 calico very young cats that hag out in the partially heated sunroom at the back of the house they are very relaxed and young, if nothing else happens you don’t even know they are there. On the other hand when something happens like food or an annoying bird or noise, which probably is considered food as well. It's kind of a funny blur of motion as they all try and be first to see what it was the moved, made a noise or just caught their attention.
Finally there is a barn dog, more of a barn puppy compared to everyone else who spends his winters in the sunroom. And will only bark if someone new is on the scene or if he needs to relieve himself. The only thing that is odd about him is as he is a Springer spaniel and quite compulsive, you must stand still around him for a few minutes so he can orbit around you if you try and move during this time period all that will happen is that he will trip you up and you will fall on your ass.

…Here's the story.

I was working late on Friday and so I could not arrive in time to see my folks off, There was a note left for me in the Kitchen.

“Dear (insert my name here)
Sorry we couldn’t wait for you. Your uncle is going to take care of the barn. If you have to go anywhere tell him and he will feed everybody.
Food for the cats is in closet in the sunroom.
Food for dogs is in garage
Food for “the boys” is by the tank.
Don’t leave the sunroom door open.
Don’t forget to let everyone out in the morning and at night.
Have fun and don’t make a mess”

Ok so, I admit I was tired, I had a long day and didn’t actually read the letter that well.
When I arrived it was late and there were no lights on in the house. I fed the house dog, which promptly fell asleep at the door to the sunroom. Fed the boys there food and was going to feed the cat when I got distracted by a phone call from an aunt. Plus the cat was taking a nap on the furnace register anyway.
The phone call was long and I found myself sitting at my folks computer going through my emails. The cat feeling the need for food squeezed in between the screen and the keyboard, she stood there and made her usual plea for food. So with the cordless phone in one hand and my very talkative aunt in my ear I made my way around the corner to the sunroom.

This is where I realized they had been training me in secret, without me knowing it or it had all been a set up. It also became the point where I realized it was winter and the note had said “cats” and “dogs” and my uncle was just taking care of the cows in the barn…

Because as I was opening the door and flipped on the light to the sunroom also stepping gingerly over the sleeping canine because I would hate to make her move, the house cat proceeded to lie down on the computer desk throwing the keyboard to the floor.
This set off a whirlwind of training that I didn’t even realize was in me. With one foot on either side of the sleeping dog the door partially opened and a noise emitting from another room four multicolored fur balls flew over on and around the dog startling her causing her to sit up pushing me into the wall. I managed to bring one hand up and hold myself up so that I was still standing and the let the now visible “barn” dog orbit me. I tried to tell the house dog to move but alas she is deaf and with orbiting barn dog she was somewhat trapped as well.

So after that I made my way through the house to find the barn cats. As I turned various lights on the fish in the basement splashed and the race was on. I won after a fashion and then the house was at peace again with all the animals fed and back in their places.

Well. Just minutes ago I found myself back at the computer and the house cat had not left the desk. Of course she didn't take a jump down the floor (what did you expect??) she just stood there at the edge waiting for me to pick her up and put her on the floor... which I did without thinking... and she sort of walked down the hall to her food dish. There you have it; I'm convinced I have been trained by the pets.

Gearloose

Murphy's Love Laws

All the good ones are taken.

If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)

The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.

Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.

The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.

Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.

Nice guys(girls) finish last.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Availability is a function of time.


The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

Random Animal Pictures